SO IT HAS BEEN 6 WEEKS SINCE WINFREY TAUGHT ME TO THINK TWICE ABOUT TAKING EACH DAY FOR GRANTED!

Since then life has gotten back to "normal" although with a new attitude. So here is our Halloween in 2005: Our trick-or-treat has nothing to do with candy or costumes.  Our trick now is to keep the new attitude of "every day is something to jump on with the zest of a doggie chasing a squirrel"  and toss the previous attitude of  "no man, I got too many things on my to do list" to the exclusion of all else.  What is the treat?  Do you have to ask?

So as promised, Winfrey and I are going to start pulling out of our hat of creativity for life and sharing our many stories. Today's story actually comes from Halloween in 1996. Yes, that far back. It is worth a laugh, or two, or ...  Winfrey wanted me to pull it out of the archives.  You will see it below.

Since this is the last Winfrey Sick update, thank God, stay tuned for more stories in a different format. In the mean time, read on, and enjoy!

Winfrey holds a position of distinction at Doggie Park

Winfrey thanks all of you for your love and support!

Again there is this seemingly fundamental question of "why put so much attention into a pet when there are humans that need the same attention?." I submit that, in this world where, well, there are a lot of really not so nice things going on...and humans often forget to treat each other right ( you can't argue with me, drive to work and tell me what happens), it is our pets who remind us of why and how we should treat each other. Yeah, that fuzzy little creature that you love so much reminds you that you should be scratching the belly of a happy human being too ( figuratively of course  ;-), a human who's belly you would not be scratching if it weren't for the reminder from the pet. It all works together. God's creatures. 

Winfrey Sick email bag:

Responses to Winfrey's updates:

"If you need anything a person up here in WA could give, let me know. Dante was so distraught this week, I guess he could just sense it."

"Vincent and I will keep sending positive thoughts your way and hers.   (He lives with 4 dogs.  I fell in love with them all.  After spending time with them, NOW, I understand what he means when he says they're "like family." )  Please give Winfrey wet kisses and mmm-mmm belly rubs for us. "

"Winfrey's getting better...and...I just saved a bunch of money by switching to Geico!"

Winfrey's Story Request from the Archives. 

THE DAY AFTER HALLOWEEN: A TRUE STORY (1996)

Brace yourself for a laugh! And as always, some good doggie insight

Editor's note: A little historical perspective,  in 1996, Hans and Winfrey  lived in Vienna, VA, Washington DC area. Back then Hans was still drinking Mountain Dew like a hyena sniffs laughing gas, or something like that.  He has since stopped the Dew cold turkey to support his Mother's new diet when she discovered she had diabetes. He has not had a Dew since 1997.  Hans also worked at the Washington, DC office of Newport News Shipbuilding, where he was a systems engineer for aircraft carriers. His first words when he saw his first carrier where, "BIG."

I AM TELLING YOU  BELOW IS A TRUE STORY! 

Hello All,

Last night proved to be slightly interesting. After cruising home at an altitude of about 1000 Dews (Mountain that is), I unstrapped my passenger from his seat belt and hung him from a tree in the front yard. His boney frame was unharmed from his visit to work that day. (if you haven't figured out, I blew $25 bucks on a near lifesize plastic skeleton and took him to work, where I put a company hat on him and left him in the lobby with a copy of design specifications for a ship that was built in 1934). I then placed a paper plate "HAVE A NICE DAY" face on him.

*****

My ma and Pop used to always go to the greatest effort to make every holiday special for us kids, including the full gamut of decorations, music, parties, moments to understand the meaning, etc..... For Halloween, they would hold spook houses for the local elementary school kids. For Thanksgiving Ma dressed up as a Pilgrim and cooked AWESOME food all day. For Christmas, every night after dinner was a special advent reading, and each season the whole family went to nursing homes and retirement centers to entertain prior to the visit of 

Mrs. Santa Claus (click on link)   

Now as an "adult" it is my turn to keep the joy going! Soooooo, it being Halloween, and me being an active participant in keeping the neighborhood safe and fun.... uh... .well... "safe" should be really be in quotes. Read on.

*****

Earlier in the week I had surveyed the possibility of buying dry ice and using it to create a fog in the yard - and the effect of smoke billowing out of the house as scary music (some of which I made myself... amazing what you can do with a variable speed tape deck, echo effect, and recorded flatulence) blared out a side window... As it was too expensive, I dropped the idea. But I kept the music part.

While making dinner and waiting for the first ghoulish cherubs to arrive so I could jump out of the door and make a blood curdling scream with my Walmart style smiley face on, I placed two pieces of bread in the toaster oven. Then I went about my business elsewhere. Arrangements had to be perfect for the kiddies. They where more important than whoever it was I voted for by absentee ballot the other day. I ran upstairs to put my skeleton sweats and smiley face on and then put several smiley faces in the window. Then I put a speaker in the window and started the scary music tape, hoping it would attract the lil kiddies like the pied piper.

Then it happened... I heard a POP and saw a flash. I turned around to see 

"FIRE!"

 The toaster was engulfed in flames about two feet high and swallowing the wood surface above. I started to panic, but stopped to think and reached through to unplug everything from the wall outlet behind. I then grabbed the toaster by the edges and started to dump the "wonder bread fuel" into the sink as flames aimed towards my arms.

Soon... BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF BEEP BEEP BEEP WOOF WOOF WOFF BEEP BEEP WOOF WOOF BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP WOOF WOOF WOOF. Yep, the fire alarm... Yep, Winfrey the fire alarm trained wonder mutt. Yep, loud and obnoxious. Yep, drop the toaster oven....

...fortunately in the sink.

Two shriveled black objects fell out of the front of the toaster oven and looked at me as if to say, "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING MAN?" I ran over to the fire alarm and reached up to pull out the battery as my now rabid doggie made successive pounces toward whatever she could balance herself on that was closest to the alarm, i.e. my abdomen. The fact that her length of reach was just below my waist line..... and her choice of paw placement was dead center, did not facilitate any future procreation attempts. However I would be soon be visited by many children anyway... not my own.... but at least hope for the future. SoonI was  to be greeted by happy good kids, even though they would be greeted by a hunched over pissed off smoke smelling skeleton with a smiley face.

Then....

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF BEEP BEEP BEEP WOOF WOOF WOFF BEEP BEEP WOOF WOOF BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP WOOF WOOF WOOF. Yep, the fire alarm upstairs... Yep, Winfrey the fire alarm trained wonder mutt. Yep, loud and obnoxious. Yep, gotta go pull that battery out too. Yep, Winfrey is trying to beat me upstairs. Yep I am tripping. Yep, I am cussing. Yep Winfrey is aiming dead center again. Yep....... ouch... I am now laying on the floor holding my, uh, let's just say lower lower abdomen. I love my doggie. She protects me from, myself?

I opened the windows and front door and walked outside to breathe. When I turned around and realized that the desired effect, smoke billowing out of my house on Halloween, had been achieved... very cheaply...without a speck of dry ice. Totally unintentional, but hey... it worked. Thank you wonderbread!

(pause to breathe here)

I sat down on the couch as the scary music blared. And then a rap tap tap came across the door, and my doggie said "Nevermore..." as she sat from high up on the stairs. I said, "NOT!" heh heh Actually she ran down the stairs at top speed as I got up, fortunately this time remembering from past experience and taking appropriate evasive maneuvers (turn sideways) to protect my future children.

I opened the front door and there were like 10 to 15 kids...

"TRICK OR TREAT!"

"Wait!" I exclaimed. "I have the perfect thing for you. I ran to the refrigerator, grabbed a big bottle, and stopped by the sink on the way back..

"FOR YOU KIDS I HAVE.... BURNT TOAST AND ARTICHOKE HEARTS!"

"NOOOOOOO!!!!" They were pretty adamant.

"OKAY, HOW BOUT SOME DILL PICKLES?"

"NOOOOO!!!"

"Hey, I know you!" a little girl spoke up. "So do I!" a little boy said.

"Uh oh... where from..."

"You were unicycling in the school yard! Don't you remember talking to me?" said the little girl.

"Uh that must have been my twin brother. You see him hanging out there in the tree? " I pointed to the skeleton with the smiley face hanging in the tree. "He forgot to wear his bike helmet. You kids remember that when you ride your bikes. Got that?" I was soooo proud of myself for the "catch" and opportunity to do a public safety plug.

"So what about those DILL PICKLES?"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

"OKAY, how bout this here candy."

"YEEEEESSSS!"

(pause to breathe here...)

Adrian my roomie, came home in his, get this, WILLIAM WALLACE (Brave Heart) GENUINE HOME MADE KILT. Yep, Adrian made the outfit himself. He created it earlier for a Renaissance Fair. He wore it in TRADITIONAL style at the fair. In case anyone wonders what this means, the best thing to do is remember the scene in Brave Heart where the warring Scotsmen easily mooned the British by merely lifting up the back of their kilts. Are there any more questions about what "traditional" style means? (Incidentally, according to Scottish lore, Braveheart had a sister named Victoria. She had a secret. Still trying to figure out what it is.) Adrian quite readily reported to me that wearing his outfit in the traditional style felt "very liberating." He also said that if he were a woman, he'd wear a skirt every day. I haven't been sold on this yet (although I think I am starting to understand more about Victoria's secret) as I am very endeared to my whitey tighties (although I tie died a pair).

(Editor's update: For any single females out there with a check list for the single author, now that he has moved to California, years later he has seen the light and no longer wears tighty whities, though proper social etiquette deems that he should not reveal publicly what he DOES wear. However you can safely take tighty whities off your check list.)

Adrian painted his face half yellow and half blue and sat in a chair out front.. the highlight of his outfit with the kids wasn't his kilt, however, (although I understand this specifically was the highlight of some of the women at the Renaissance Fair... just kidding Adrian!... heh heh) , the highlight of Adrian's outfit was his near 6 foot long home made wooden sword. Adrian is like this cool dude who brews his own beer and hand makes other cool stuff when he gets a hankerin. Me? I am usually too impatient and burn toast in the toaster oven while off doing something else. Some how we make good roommates (insert "Odd Couple" theme music here).

The rest of the evening was rather uneventful as all of the other kids were too small to appreciate the burnt toast. The costume of the evening went to a baseball. Somewhere inside the ball there was a 2 year old kid. It was hard to tell which was which.

So that is that with Halloween '96. Tonight my twin skeletal brother and I go to a party (OH MAH GAWD... HANS IS HAVING A SOCIAL LIFE) to check out what "ghoulish le femme" would even be remotely interested in a guy who's tan is 95% computer monitor induced. Chances are with my luck, someone will hook up with the plastic skeleton and I'll go home empty hansed. TEE HEE!!!

Gotta git.

This message was hyperly typed in 32 seconds and burned the equivalent of 3 cans of Mt. Dew. And for those of you who were wondering if I would get to it, or if you'd be spared the pain... (never)...

BELLY BUTTON HAIR

Have a swell day.

Love,

Yo bud

Hansbo, Scrammer, Hozzey, Hobby....